Caved

A short story

I continued down the cave,  moving faster the longer I drifted through it. I didn’t slow, but I made sure to keep count of the turns I made as my muddy boots sludged against the brown murk. The sound of my boots echoed louder now. Much louder. I hated that. Despite this, I kept moving. My long cloak trailed behind me. My lamp illuminated the grey stone that was hunched all around, closing in. It also illuminated my eyes. My tired eyes. My tired eyes, that were beginning to fail me more than my own diminishing lamp. But again, I ignored that thought. I pushed every negative thought down, trying to suppress the hopelessness I had fallen into. But, there was this one thought that had sadly become more present in my mind. Its presence screamed a cold, bleak wave across my body. A tall, crashing wave that breaks against the shores of my mind. The thought was not only causing my hand to tremble lightly, but it eliminated any hope that remained. Then my legs gave out. Gave out to the horrible and sick thought that had finally emerged. It had emerged out of a murky puddle. Slowly. Slowly as the thick liquid slipped off and revealed the horrible word that was this thought. The horrible word that I had hidden for far too long. The horrible word that signaled me to stop. Lost. I was lost.

        I had been lost for some time now. During that time my legs began to tire. My eyes began to tire. My lamp’s light began to shiver away. And the worst thing caused by this time of wandering was my neglect to acknowledge my safety. I acknowledged everything besides the truth. The truth that I was, in fact, lost. All this fell down on me like a ray of sunlight. Not the kind of sunlight I hope to see however. The type of light that is far too bright to see, much less enjoy. The type of sunlight that would melt through the skin that is revealed by that dooming ray.

I backed up against the ridged, hunched rocks. Now panic began to settle. I ventured here looking for… I seemed to forget. Oh yes, it’s there. There in my mind. I can see what I was looking for again. Clear. Clearly visualized. That motivation began to breathe again. That motivation began to breathe a slow, heavy breath. The motivation I felt hours before I began to lose track of my location in the stone maze. The motivation I felt surge as I stood in the maw of the beast I was soon to be swallowed by. The motivation that was sparked by my fear. That's it again. Yes. I’m in terror. I’m motivated by my immeasurable fear. And I’m looking for… I’m looking for me. That’s right. They're looking for me. I need to get rid of that specific… me. The me they found out about. The me I hid years ago. Me.

I blocked that me out of my memory. But I fear it. I know that me was hidden for a reason. But I’m not sure why. And for that sole mystery, I fear it. I also remember another fear. That fear I felt once I heard her cry. She was scared. And she was calling my name. She found out. And that fear caused me to remember that horrible secret, which again, caused me to fear. Then my thoughts stopped. This isn't the first time they stopped. How I know that I can’t explain, but I remember this happening before. I remember thinking this exact same thing before.

I continued down the cave. Moving faster the longer I wandered. I didn’t slow, but I made sure to keep count of the turns. The turns I made as my muddy boots sludged against the brown murk. The sound of the boots echoed. Loud. Louder now. Much louder. I- I hated that. Despite this, I kept moving. My long cloak trailed behind me. My lamp illuminating the grey stone that was hunched all around, closing in. It also illuminated my eyes. My tired eyes. My tired eyes, that were beginning to fail me more than my own diminishing lamp. Push the thought away, I need to keep that kindle of optimism breathing. Breathing. Breathing like my motivation that I began to feel. My legs gave out. (again?) Gave out to my fear. That’s it. I’m here because I fear. I fear. She was crying. She found out. I need to get rid of it. (her?) That motivation spoke now. I got up. And the motivation fueled me to continue. (You’ve thought this before.)

I continued down the cave. More time passed. So I moved faster. I kept track of my turns. The mud echoed loud. Too loud. (Has it always been this loud?) My lamp illuminated the stone. It illuminated my eyes. (It illuminated something else.) My eyes were failing me. (It illuminated something else.) I ignored it. Keep moving. Why am I here? (You know why.) That's right, I see her. She’s there, and she’s scared. (No.) Scared because she discovered- (She’s angry.) discovered that horrible me. The Me (you) I hid years ago. My legs gave out. Gave out. Motivation. The motivation sparked. I could hear its spark echo. (echo) I fear, so I am motivated. I am motivated to get rid of it- (Not an it- fool you know this. It’s her. Her. Think-) I’ve thought this before. I know I have.

I continued down the cave. (Don’t do this again.) I heard something. (You have thought this before.) I heard something- (Stop. Listen to you.) I was scared- (You know why you’re scared.) My eyes are tired- (So are your legs, huh?) I paused. Then a thought arose. Arose out- (out of a puddle. So poetic.) I- (you) have- (have) thought- (thought) of- (this) before- (many times before.) Oh god. (Stop.) I’ve thought about this before. And I don’t- (you know) I know why.

What happened next was so indescribable I only seem to remember the beginning. I stopped. I stopped in the middle of a stone maze. A cave illuminated by the failing, shivering light that was emitted from the glowing glass that hung below a rusty steel handle. The floor of this cave was muddy. I have acknowledged this mud many times before. But I have only acknowledged that I have acknowledged this once. Once. Once in this tidal wave of realization. Then I focused on where I was standing. The cave. The ambience of the cave was filled with echo. Echo and only echo. The walls seemed to emit a cold, humid, stagnant pool of- a strange pool of breeze. I soaked in it for a moment. This atmosphere. It was quiet. Very quiet. (You’ve been doing this for hours.) I heard a voice. A voice that seemed to blow that strange pool of breeze around me. A voice that I recognized. (You do.) I heard the voice again. I heard it clear. I heard it so terrifyingly clear. Was it- talking- talking to me? I stood in the cave. Not moving. Holding the lamp in front of me. The lamp. Ah yes. The lamp. The lamp illuminated the cold stone around me. It also illuminated my eyes. My tired eyes. My tired eyes that were beginning to fail me- (Stop.) I heard the voice again. The voice was sharp. Sharp enough to cut me away from the spiral of insanity I was beginning to fall into again. That tidal wave of realization hit me for a second time. This time, it seemed to wake me up from the infinite trance permanently. I know this, because of what happened to me next.

I began to hate myself. I have been wandering mindlessly through the cave for so long, I must be too far from her? Yes, her. I began to hate myself again, but worse. A hatred. A hatred built of guilt. Guilt, and solely guilt. Little did I know that hatred would act as a vessel. A vessel that pulled me forward. (Yes…) Forward to a realization. (Finally…) The realization that I… (You…) That I.

“That I have been speaking my thoughts. All of my thoughts the entire time. I have been speaking aloud as I stand in this cave.” My own words shocked me. Stung me, even. But- the voice. That other voice I heard while swimming through my abstract mind. That voice must have been- “it must have been-” I spoke again. I spoke without even realizing. That would have caused me fear, fear for control of myself… but it didn’t. For it was defeated by a larger fear. A fear that appeared from my hypothesis. A fear that emerged. A fear that emerged from-

“A fear that emerged from a puddle? So poetic…” The voice spoke. The voice I have known. The voice I thought was dwelling in my mind, but I heard it right behind me. The voice that I was unknowingly speaking to for so long. I turned. I turned expecting- I’m not sure. My light illuminated the rocks around me, and it illuminated the muddy water. And it-

“It illuminated something else.” The beast said. It did in fact illuminate something else. It had illuminated it before. It has been the thing speaking. Speaking to me for so long. I know who it was. But my indescribable fear seemed to block that out of me. And in that moment, that moment that filled me with a- a perfect- perfect fear. It was a beast. It was the only breathing thing that is left of that horrible, horrible past me. Me. 

It was her. I had this thought that- that it was her. But it retreated quickly. It retreated to my subconscious. But- oh. She looked so much like her. So much like her. Oh. Oh no. Her mother. Her mother found out, didn’t she?

“Yes. She did.” The contorted beast leaned forward, and the low orange light revealed a face. A face so horrible that my heart began to skip a beat. And I was left in the cave again, filled with a perfect- perfect fear.

I continued down the cave. My lamp swung violently in front of me, failing to illuminate anything before it swung away to, again, fail to illuminate anything. The lamp also illuminated my eyes- no- I can’t do that again. The walls were starting to close in. But my thoughts didn’t wander long. If they did, I would realize I was running in fear from the very thing I needed. I was instead running, my thoughts incomplete. Those thoughts were instead substituted with adrenaline. Much like the stones, I began to notice, were being substituted for moist soil.

I continued running, running fast down the cave. The soil was coming to an end. An end that I used to want, but now am filled with a guilt for. I tripped. I tripped and was thrown forward. Forward; into the wall I had built when I had made that awful mistake. When I hid her. Her. I then heard her behind me. Approaching. I began to dig through the wall. Still not realizing my current goal was going against my original hope. But- the wall was broken. I didn't acknowledge it then, but I would soon find out she was the one who dug through it. Soon, I made it through. Into the room I had made just for- just for her so many years earlier. My lamp was thrown forward, its dying light illuminating the room where I would soon die.

The lamp rolled over, and eventually slowed to reveal the entirety of the small, cramped room. This horrible, horrible room that caused me to freeze and observe this… Horrible, horrible room. On the left, was the mattress. The mattress I built for her. To the right, there were boxes. Torn boxes. Apples fell from the sides of these boxes. Rotting apples. The rotting apples that I left for her. And then she entered. I felt it. I felt the ambience around me shake as she entered the room. The horrible, horrible room. I stood to my feet, knowing she was behind me. I stood for a moment. Maybe multiple moments, before I began to face the beast-

“Is that what I am…” She spoke.

        I was talking again, wasn't I…

        “What are you…?” I said, as I stared into the dark silhouette that loomed over me.

“You forgot…” It spoke again. It’s voice - her voice - was…

“You forgot just as you forgot why you came here.” She talked again.

I didn’t speak, for she was right. I came here for something… I was scared of something I did. Whenever I started to piece together my thoughts… it fell apart.

“Look at what you created…” She croaked.

From the light of the lamp, I could see the shape of this thing move. Move closer. Closer. Approaching. Soon it covered my vision, and its shape was more defined. And the more the shape sharpened, the more my memory did. That memory swelled in my brain. Swelled in between the cracks of my mind. Growing. Growing, as she was approaching. The cave- its echo slept. And soon all I heard was that swelling in my mind. That memory… swelling… growing. And soon, I saw her. She broke into the sphere of light that was born from the lamp. And I saw her. Her skin was white. Her bones were bent. Her hair was thin. And her face. Oh… that face. That face brought back everything. All those horrible thoughts. But the horrible thing. The truly horrible thing was me. That past, me. The me I hid years ago.

I first noticed the eyes. Those eyes. Those wide, dark, endless eyes. I’ve seen them before. Yes. I remember now. I remember they watched. Her eyes watched as I- as I killed her. As I killed her she watched with those wide, dark, endless eyes. Oh no. She watched. My daughter watched as I killed her mother with those eyes.

“You remember?” The voice led me to observe the mouth. Oh no. The mouth that I closed tight. The mouth that reminded me of Marie-

“Marie?” My daughter croaked again. Yes, Marie, my current darling. She found out… she was mad. Mad at me. Me. 

I then raised the lamp. The shivering lamp. And it revealed the skin. The skin. The product of the horrible darkness of this twisting, murky cave. It was created from the blocked out sun. The sun that was killed by the ever-changing cave just as that- that past- that past me was killed. Killed and forgotten.

It was only until I saw the eyes, the eyes that reminded me of the murder. It was only until I saw the mouth that I remembered the horrible mistake was discovered. It was only until I saw the skin that reminded me of the mistake that I hid away. It was… It was only until I was face to face with my daughter, the daughter of my past wife that I realized I was standing in front of that past me. Everything that past me did was here. Here. Standing before me. Twisted, horrible. So horrible and disgusting. An embodiment of everything awful. It was awful- It was awful! It was awful! Awful! Awful-

“Awful! You’re awful! Leave! Die! Die now! You’re awful!” It stood before me. Everything. Everything stood before me. There. Breathing. Living. Living- oh god no it can’t live anymore. No. Not anymore-

I then saw my daughter, my past me move closer. I then saw my daughter, my past me lunge towards me. I then almost felt my daughter, my past me kill me.